We went to Steamboat Springs, CO a few weeks ago for a soccer tournament, and of course, I tool hundreds of pictures. But none make me laugh more than this little series. All friggen weekend we had to hear about how the girls wanted to take a picture on the dinosaur. That is not an exaggeration, it was all.friggen.weekend. We finally got around to it the night before we left, and they took their dinosaur posing pretty seriously. Well, until the end when they decided to climb on together.
Of course, the boy was not to be outdone:
And a long awaited update from Nina:
It has been five months since I’ve returned from my deployment to Afghanistan. I have been processing what happened during that time frame every day since coming home. Something reminds you almost daily of someone you met, something you did and especially an emotion you felt.
Ever since you were a child you compartmentalize memories, emotions even smells in little tiny boxes in your brain; not even realizing you do this. All these experiences form your personality; define your decisions; how you will interact with people and relationships you will have. Trying to figure what boxes my memories go in from the last year is proving to be much harder I thought. During the deployment you function on this “high” from all the endorphins you are releasing from working in such a stressful environment. You don’t have time to evaluate how a situation makes you feel or how it will impact you a year from now – you just keep moving.
I hated the fact that I couldn’t figure out on my own how to get through these emotions. Since that first day you step off the bus when you arrive at basic training you are taught to be tough. It is drilled into your head that you have to be stronger than the average “Joe” both physically and mentally. Because what they are about to prepare you for is not for the average person.
I was doing everything they teach you in the medical field to help someone else through post-deployment stressors. I was working out five days a week or more, I was eating healthy, I stayed away from alcohol (aside from the occasional drink with dinner). If I had a rough day I would call one of my best friends that deployed the same time I did and we would talk about it. All of these things helped to a certain degree but nothing I was doing seemed to lift me out of this fog I was in. What was the most frustrating part was that in my mind I really had no reason to feel that way. I’m married to someone who was supportive, I had great friends, awesome family and amazing co-workers…I had literally nothing to complain about.
Lurking beneath the surface were my memories from my deployment. The memories I had that would haunt me. The guilt I felt for being at home safe and sound. The sadness I felt for all the ones that didn’t make it home like I did. I felt fearful for the ones who were still there and those that would still go. I had nightmares, flashbacks and almost debilitating anxiety. One flashback in particular I ended up in my dark office at home rocking in the corner holding my ears thinking I was by our helipad watching them take the bodies off the helicopter, I was sobbing uncontrollably. On another occasion I thought my husband looked like the soldier I had helped with in mortuary affairs and started to panic I had to cover my eyes and my whole body was shaking. Of course all these things were taking a huge effect on me at home and at work. I had a hard time focusing, my memory was terrible and I would find myself staring off into space…just thinking…
My best friend had started seeing a counselor for some of the things that were bothering her and I kept putting it off. I really didn’t want to go. I didn’t have time…any excuse I could think of. I didn’t need to see a therapist, I was stronger than that. While at work one day one of the PA’s asked me if I was ok. Of course I lied and put on my best smile and said yes, but she saw right through me and said “you look numb and blank”.
So reluctantly I went on the militaryonesource.com website and they set me up with a provider in my area. According to them I needed to be evaluated for PTSD. Now if you are in the military or know someone who has done these tests you know how much we hate them. Not just dislike, HATE! All week before my appointment with the psychiatrist I practiced what I was going to answer upon being asked certain questions. I’m pumping myself up in the mirror “I’ve got this!” I’m walking out of that office with them saying “you’re fine, have a nice life” I feel crazy and I have not even gone yet!
Compared to when I was younger I’m actually quite talkative but as soon as I walked into that office I closed up like a clamshell. My palms were sweating, my foot tapping and I was trying to recite all my answers that I had thought up with a great deal of effort. I could tell for them fishing out my thoughts was like trying to pick someone’s brain out of their nose.
So the questions continue with “Are you jumpy or easily startled?” Well, hell yes I’m jumpy I was just around rocket attacks for six months! “Do you have feelings of anger?” Do you mean do I want to kill random people because all I hear is them whine and complain? Well the answer would be yes, but that is besides the point….”Do you feel sad?” Well if you had gone to roughly 30 ramp ceremonies in 6 months you would be a little upset now and again too. Damn I’m answering yes to way too many of these questions. Can we start from the beginning? No? Where did all my answers go that I had collected, and was ready to present so confidently trying to convince them and myself that I was doing just fine?
At the end I am diagnosed with MJD (major depressive disorder) and anxiety. I’m thinking “yeah right!” Me? Depressed? No way man I’m just having a bad day. I’m trying to be honest with myself because apparently something is bothering me if I’ve sought out the help. But depression?! For whatever reason I was convinced I was immune to it. So needless to say my appointment did not at all go the way I had planned or hoped. I now have to come to terms with the fact that my emotional armor needs some buffering and strengthening.
It’s been several weeks now since I started seeing my counselor Alice and I hated it in the beginning. It was hard, frustrating and even annoying. It’s scary to have to stop and take a good look in the mirror and see what needs work. Each time I go it gets easier and easier and I realize a lot of the emotions are quite normal/common for people returning from deployed locations. It doesn’t even have to be a war zone. I was originally ashamed of telling anyone that I have to see someone to help me with all of this. But now I’m proud, I’m proud that I was able to recognize that I needed help and grabbed that chance like my deployment…a scary new experience. I’ve see too many people come home and struggle with their experiences and felt like they were alone, they carry the immense weight of those emotions by themselves. I hope if you are reading this and are struggling just like me, know that you are not alone.
“It’s time to heal, my friend…to know that you did everything you could and more; that it mattered and you touched those lives.”
